manifest

 so they say if you speak or write it, it shall manifest. so my truth on this day right now, I am a wife, next year at this same time, I will be headed to planning my wedding with my king, not hurting or healing from another broken relationship or self-inflicted harm because I once again chose the wrong man. I am a wife, a great wife to a great husband that is an amazing man. I speak that I'll be in a new place, enough for my family and a place for my mother. I know what I want, I'm ready for what all love and life has to bring, this time I won't settle for the minimum because I'm already the bare necessity. Enhance, empower, inspire, adore and let's just be. 

I miss the art of simplicity, the moments of intimacy without sexual undertones. Intimacy that wraps your spirit in bliss. eye gazes that cause tears of joy, from just having the moment of love. So much transpires with the act of love these days, points have to be proven, competition of what social media platforms regulate as what should be truth. We often just miss the art of simplicity, your hand in my mine. sitting on a park bench discussing dreams and visions. a long ride just vibing to songs that make sense to the soul. conversations that don't ever seem to end, from one topic to the next, we don't get lost in translation but we get lucid in the art of we. i miss simplicity. 

speak it, write it and watch it manifest. i declare peace, i declare joy, i declare it's time for queen and king to sit on their thrones and be it.

 You ever cried so hard, you covered your mouth because you thought someone might hear you but you're in the house alone. Tears stream without your permission, the more you to swallow your pride and emotion the more they fall. Prayers on prayers as your heart shatters, you can actually feel the chest bone breaking and you heart exposed. 

I fell in love, but he wasn't in love with me, I gave my all, my heart, my spirit, my soul all the eggs in one basket. I felt compelled to stand up to my fears, accept what my heart was feeling and submit to it at all cost. I wanted to build a future, encourage the king within, love him as GOD loves me. It shatters your heart, the changes your spirit  feels, it's hard to process because what you expected and wanted is just a mere illusion of your dreams.

Tis is life but sometimes it just isn't fair. 

A prayer for him

 They say pray for the man you want, he will enter your life. So here I am praying for him, may GOD manifest him right before my eyes. 

Bless my life with a man who is understanding, not just of opinion but of me, isn't quick to insult or demean but understands the history and my mind to know that my thoughts are continuing and it's a beautiful place. Bless a man who is intelligent, able to have and talk about anything, not be argumentative or combative. Send a man who's humble, who loves simplicity, enjoys moments of beauty, finds peace in silence, finds freedom in nature, loves being near and in the water. Send a man who is well versed, can be in any type of setting and adapt without discomfort. Bless me with a man who is romantic, practices chivalry, believes in the little things knows how to make me smile without spending money. Bless with a man who is after your heart, not only believes in GOD but prays and has faith in the power of prayer. Bless me with a man who is kind, gives love freely, displays affection privately and publicly, showers me in adoration not afraid to speak compliments or empower me without me having to ask. Knows me so well, that I don't have to explain when something is wrong, but wraps me in his arms and hugs me tightly but gently to remind me I'm not alone. A man who gives attention without request, wants to see me when he thinks about me, wants to hear my voice when we're apart. Attention and Affection are hand in hand. Bless me with a man who has ambition with a purpose, who is determined to be great and work to his highest potential. Bless me with a man who protects and provides, honors his commitment to me and his family, lives to his principles and morals, knows the worth of me, faithful to my me and our family. Bless me with a man who is stable, mentally, emotionally and financially. GOD only if I'm worthy, bless me with a handsome man, a healthy man, a man i find attractive and desired. that my eyes stay glued to him, that I don't want for anything he is heaven sent, made in the
image of a GOD. Just because of who I am let him match my appetite for him and be great at it, so we both won't get bored or feel the need to look outside of us for fulfillment. Thank you for blessing me with who you have picked for me. 

Amen

Toxic

 

There's a moment where you decide to be a grown up. a moment where accountability takes over, not the decision of not making mistakes but being accountable when you do. the resolution to be better do better and work through the issues that caused the mistakes. accountability is hard when dealing with others, your spirit wants the acceptance of others for your accountability, it wants to hear the logic of understanding, of reasoning, of balance, that though you are not perfect you will mistakes, your spirit wants to hear understanding from the outside.

Most of us are facing internal issues, some of us run from them, others deal with them and others pretend they don't exist. Growth of self is pertinent when the desire to deal with others. You will understand your triggers, understand what works and doesn't work for you. While in your journey, while you work, relationships that you developed prior to your work, may or may not change but the if they do it's important that you understand your journey can't include them at this time. Those that can't be on the journey with you, may become angry because they feel like you are changing and you are requiring too much, in totality they aren't ready for their own work so seeing you do yours is intimidating that's where the toxicity begins. It's not that the person or people are wrong or bad it's just that your journey no longer complements there position in your life. If they are not willing to join you or work on themselves, they will kill your will to be better. this is the toxicity, seeing growth but wanting to put a box on it, so that it doesn't continue.

Growth is inevitable

Never makes sense

 Ever had a thought or idea that just keeps running except it focuses on the negative and not the positive. I've been thinking a lot about relationships the strength it takes to love again, the strength it takes to trust before your eyes and when your back is turned. It takes power to say you make my heart happy, you give me strength in my weakest moments. the power to say yes let's make this work, that takes courage and boldness, it takes a new level of maturity because in a world of people you see them and choose them to hold you, to see you, to be there for you, to walk this journey however it may travel, you want them beside you.

Yet in a instant moment, in a wicked temptation, you result to boring your attention on another that is not your chosen, you give the attention and affection that should be diverted to your chosen, you behold compliments and words of affirmation that caused a disrupt in your relationship because your chosen wanted what you are giving to someone else. The grass may look greener but it's how it's nurtured, managed and maintained by it's owner. a field of jasmine flourishes with the sun's love, the fruit of GOD's tears.

Help me understand the math, you desire, you engage, you enchant only to submit to the bonding of two to make one, but yet you are still searching and haven't informed your chosen that you are still searching as they dispel endless energy just for you, to surround you to encompass you. You say silly rhetoric like I never meant to hurt you, but did you not think that engaging and entertaining wouldn't hurt. did reason that maybe honesty would work in this instance, save you the nuisances of unwanted texts, unwanted cries, the nuisance of what you now deem crazy because you created a chaotic situation that you left, never being accountable for the consequences of your actions. The toxicity of ego of pride will destroy even the strongest amongst us. Understand, when you commit, you are pledging your allegiance of morality of principle that you will not defy. Great men/women aren't great by words of others, they are great by their actions for and toward others. Light and darkness can't dwell in the same space, light will forever shine but the more you dim the more you will have an eclipse, when the blockage removes, the light shines whether you are there or not. In most cases once the blockage removes it even more powerful than it began. 

Just remember a fallacy will always be a nightmare because it was never reality. 

It's been a while

 In a world full of chaos, somehow I found peace in you, not peace of my spirit but peace of my loneliness. Longing for the connection between two entities that lights the skies,  even in solitude we find refuge in each other's silence. The rhythm of conversation, that separates only with  laughter, I have been searching a lifetime for the innocence of holding hands, the gaze that turns into memories, the ability of sensing without ever touching. I've been waiting and somehow I got here. I'm never sure, but each time I feel defeated, with the only conclusion that karma finally got me or should I say my past suppressed thoughts on inadequacy, insecurities, unequated comparisons they finally showed me what they look like so I can understand but today I know my worth, today I know better, today I choose me, today I know I'm great, but yet I somehow found peace in you for my loneliness even though I'm still lonely. 

Venting

My ace told me I should write about it. So I guess this would be the act of therapy but in my eyes who really gives a shit, my heart hurts so i'm writing to see if this pain ceases. How do you treat someone that loves you unconditionally as if you hate the air they breathe. How words ricochet in the air like swords flying in the 18th center. As if I was blind to the dagger sticking out the sky, I ran straight in its direction I dare not brace for the plunge i just lunged my body into the steel sharpness. I disguised my mind with butterflies to block out the negative, he stopped saying I love you a long time ago, the moments I said I missed you I might as well talked to someone deaf. His response was always silence. The moments I looked at him with and said damn you fine, he would look and tell me .i'm tripping as if the words that left my lips were suppose to be coming from another. Forever too busy forever with plans but nights my legs parted and mouth ope. He was never busy, ready to receive every part of me as my I got in trance of him. Stupidity at its highest firm because all I seek is redemption and GOD grant me enough peace to forgive him and myself. This hurts

FOREVER for ever

I wanted a couple of forevers, but i got a couple of nevers. never midnight walks under star-lit skies in the midst of city smog, never conversations that never ends with a sea of laughter that makes anyone smile, never having hands entwined grasping for the touch of another to feel the warmth of love. a couple of forevers that settle in the line of for ever writing poetry describing a longing for what i wish to embrace. for ever mystified by the art of love, the joy of seeing two lovers wrapped tight in each other's arms in mid-walk down a path. The excitement in laughter as stories are shared or a comment mentioned lost in the presence of each other. the bliss in the corner of eyes as you watch the adoration of their stance of confidence as they look on to their loves.  love matters, love defines. turn the for ever writings, into forever stories the notion of having the completion of life

Touched

I was touched,  in a dark room with the tv blaring a house full of strangers that were familiar.  I thought it was a preparation for an outing,  he said a dipole of minutes.  I knew I should have been leaving,  I knew this was the wrong move.  Heart racing, I couldn't find my exit strategy,  I was in a dark room with a timid voice.  Please don't touch me.  with sweaty palms, I felt hands grace my moisten skin, not in excitement but apprehension.  Lay back,  relax,  don't you want to get comfortable. I right we were leaving, we will in a minute.  Kisses posted on my neck.  I held my breath, fighting to keep my composure,  please don't touch me.  He tried to kiss me I moved my head,  two hands placed on my shoulders as my body was forced Susan.  One hand creeping up my shirt,  anther reaching for my pants.  My body moving as I tried to release his grasp. Please don't touch me.  He kept maneuvering his hand,  I kept squirming,  this is not what i want.  Tears welling in my eyes,  this can not be my reality.  I kneed him in the only place that mattered,  he curled over I ran anxiously downstairs.  Tears streaming,  I couldn't breathe.  He touched me...

Touched

I was touched,  in a dark room with the tv blaring a house full of strangers that were familiar.  I thought it was a preparation for an outing,  he said a dipole of minutes.  I knew I should have been leaving,  I knew this was the wrong move.  Heart racing, I couldn't find my exit strategy,  I was in a dark room with a timid voice.  Please don't touch me.  with sweaty palms, I felt hands grace my moisten skin, not in excitement but apprehension.  Lay back,  relax,  don't you want to get comfortable. I right we were leaving, we will in a minute.  Kisses posted on my neck.  I held my breath, fighting to keep my composure,  please don't touch me.  He tried to kiss me I moved my head,  two hands placed on my shoulders as my body was forced Susan.  One hand creeping up my shirt,  anther reaching for my pants.  My body moving as I tried to release his grasp. Please don't touch me.  He kept maneuvering his hand,  I kept squirming,  this is not what i want.  Tears welling in my eyes,  this can not be my reality.  I kneed him in the only place that mattered,  he curled over I ran anxiously downstairs.  Tears streaming,  I couldn't breathe.  He touched me...

In love with a vision taunting my subconscious, I decided to walk away. Not because I didn't love him, nor was it that i was no longer in love with him. I love him, I'm in love with him but i choose to allow his happiness to live. what's the point of working and fighting for someone who has decided to make his happiness in another?? my logic of  live life to your happy, would be contradicted. but no one told me what to do when the love taunts you, when you have made an adult decision to not be in the space to express unwanted feelings, repeatedly to someone that doesn't want to listen. why is the knife in the center of your chest, twisting.you are not trying to break their relationship, you don't solicit for wanted emotions, you are consciously moving forward to be ok with you. why does the hurt have to linger???

moments

I'll worship you like holy days, lying on back seeing clouds and rays....

sometimes there's a moment in your life where you realize, you might just love someone a little too much. that you become consumed in just being that you forget details. you forget that they don't live in your head, there may be issues yet to be spoke on. you forget there are reservations, you are just consumed with loving and living. November 8, 2016...
        my life changed before my eyes
my heart broke into a million pieces of vulnerability of submission
     my feet got stuck in the concrete of he, i haven't been able to move since.......

absence, i am afraid...

some days i envision you. some moments i hear your voice. some moments thoughts of you and i linger for more than a moment. i thought that feelings were fleeting, emotions were dissolving but somehow there's one prevalent emotion. that you will never disappear. you will never be just a faded memory.

These tears sting like alcohol on fresh wounds. I'm tired of crying,  tired of it hurting.  I don't want to hear it gets better,  move on it's his loss.  Save the cliche rhetoric for another time,  tell me how the long the pain last, where to put the love. Tell me a method of hypnosis that I won't remember the existence of he in  this space.  Vulnerability is killing me slowly,  i promise you I can't breathe

keke wyatt banter

soooo not that i mean any disrespect, but why are so many surprised at ke-ke wyatts husband deciding to leave her. you cant continually castrate a man, even more belittle him not only in a public arena but on tv and think it's ok to do so. A man is not in your life to be your punching bag, that you send your hate for what has happened in your life his way. to give him punishment for your shortcomings. he will not be perfect, he will become your perfection, he is flawed, more than that he is human. he is your support, your motivator, your strength. casting words of disdain and hate for the purpose of anger is not the balance of who we are. just my mind having some relief.

How the hell

I've come to the sad conclusion my vagina is broken. It's suspended in a hiatus of forced celibacy,  how the hell did this happen. To wish upon a star and nothing but dust appears. It has got to be broken, i mean it just sits and just thinks repeatedly about the act of its prior owner. Yes I said owner, hell I might still be owned. Twinkle, twinkle on a star how does your vagina break into little parts. I have no words for this desolate  regimen of abstinence. Maybe she's waiting on a fairytale, a toast to matrimony, an indignation of forever bliss. Or maybe she is just broken and i am forever to be tormented by the scent...

Breathe

Cleaning my son's room. Moving things around. I find his bin, where he kept clothes,  they shared a closet, king and prince.  I get to his drawers where his clothes are. I open the first, the scent of him takes my breath away. Without hesitation tears fall from my eyes.  In loud sobs, i can't breathe. His scent lingering in my nose. Tears won't stop, steady falling i keep breathing you.  Traces of you i tried to push away, just force their way through. Here i am in an insane rock, hoping praying that i hear your footsteps up the stairs. Saying baby I'm here. In delusion i see traces of you,  i miss you.  I need you..

Lifeless

keys to dating me lol

1. honesty... trust me nothing you can say or do that will hurt me more than you lying to me. don't take my option away from making a decision that affects my life, along with my sons. just be honest, be you, be true.

2. consistency... maintain how you start, don't leave for question. I will be the same me through and through, even when i start to feel like you getting the best of me

3. laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh..

4. romance - simplicity is key, you can send me a song  with the caption of "thinking of you" midday texts, with something sweet like hey you, cards, just to smile packages, take me for a ride and play some of my favorite tunes.

5.  communicate - it's hard, i'm not the best communicator but i'm willing.

just a few keys for me..

Watching antwone fisher messes my whole life up.  Can't imagine the endurance any child bears living they life, but it makes me miss my son's brother. The oldest boy of mine.  Yes i claim him because he is my child,  wherever he may be wherever he go.  I pray one you find your way home... forever my heart...i love you son

here i stand

Something so sweet as a forehead kiss that allows a babbling reaction of unmarked notions for unwanted emotions. it's the act of vulnerability, the belief that you may just have found something special, something so rare in a world full of calamity and chaos. but it's a forehead kiss, a definition of prolonged emotion that has yet to be defined, an act of splendor intentions when you silently believe i just may be in the arms of love. it's the reaction of a long an intimate conversation, a stare that last for too long when souls connect and words are null and void. an embrace that quivers the small of your spine. the chill that makes the hairs on your arm and it stands without the allowance of your spirit. i thought it was magic, i thought it was love, something sweet like a forehead kiss that kindly reminds me of my favorite song. i hear you, more than i see you, silently i hear your thoughts parading in my mind, my heart still hears your voice commanding it. lost in a time where we were as simple as a forehead kiss, maybe it was my dream that didn't fit the reality, but here i stand.