Him

I miss him.

Intrusively without the nuisance of onlookers and judgment. I miss you.

The taunting of your name embedded behind these brown eyes, every flash is a memory of us.

I need to hear your voice, feel the strength of your masculinity at the nape of my collarbone.

I miss us.. i miss you

Foolishness, in the middle of my bed in indian style, wondering is the thought driven by your stream of consciousness...

Without you

valentine's

Usually I am immensely sad on Valentine's Day, I'm dressed in all back I tend to give the facade that I am unbothered by the outpour of love and appreciation shown by significant others to their spouses whether it be fake or real, the love on that day is evident. I would write religiously year after year about how lost in a trance addicted to love I had yet to experience, how I wish the man of my heart would want more from me than just an occasional affair that he would decide to choose me and never leave. Of course that has never happen because obviously I would be one of those lucky people posting love pics. This year was so different, no bitterness in my heart, no depressing sadden love  thoughts about what wasn't present. I was just happy to be open to love, to have my heart radiating with such joy for life that knowing my king was on his way was everything. Didn't reflect on the past or past loves, I was too cool in my skin, didn't shed one tear didn't write any sappy love poems. I am so happy in my skin and being able to breathe freely, no broken heart, no memoirs or why he left of what he did or didn't do. I choose to be happy, I choose to be me, I choose to smile, I choose the opportunity of affection and possibility of risk. It's not a loss to my past suitors, I'm more than sure they have found their own sanction of happiness and they are forever winning, I salute them for having their happiness. We just weren't enough to be something great, but good enough to be a lesson for a lifetime. So to next year of Valentine's Day, I won't dare be alone. Not this time around, GOD is grooming him just for me, until he announces himself, patience and steady working on me but I see you GOD.

Sick of it

Convinced dating just isn't for me.
I have no intentions of playing a game of cat and mouse, lion and deer, cheetah and antelope. There's no prize i wish to attain. There are no rules I wish to follow.
Simpilicity.
I like you, you interest me, I like your smile, I dig your personality. I want to do enjoyable things with you, I want to go to the park....wait.. I want to touch your hands, I want to feel your arms.. hold on, I want to see what your lips taste like, I want you, I desire you...
Simplicity.
Listen to your dreams, help you conqueror your fears, encourage the GOD in you, fight for your potential, believe in your goals, tackle the past to impede it manifesting in the present.
Instead we have a gimmick of games, a pool of lies that folks pick from depending on whether they have assessed your character properly, folks are afraid of just being vulnerable because when they were open they got hurt, but they swear they are over the last person but continue to hold on to the pain they once caused. Yea I'm sick of situationships, confusing friend zones, chaotic we  are together emotionally but mentally i do what i want. Sick of the manipulation folks subject themselves too for self-perservation but really selfish intentions, to blind side the victim of your interest to believe in the possibility when there truly isn't one.
Complication.
Be open to the reality that great people do exist. If someone sees GOD's reflection in you, sees the potential of GOD's work and sees your crown. let them offer substance to you.
Dating isn't for me, and that's cool because I'm cooler than a fan without the headache.

Moment of reflection

Rocks don't move unless they are manipulated into action. They become acts of life, moved to the rhythm of the wind. I have become enchanted with the art of being, watching as the brush strokes of life create vision on my canvas. I once heard an ode to love is to stand and listen to the leaves of trees blown by the wind, they tell the story of romance. I've run from the idea of love even though I'm addicted to the emotion but the idea frightens me. You see I've been abused by the the act of self preservation, lost in the building of a relationship that  I've never conquered the truth of me existing in one. Scared of the momentum it would lead me too, that my abandonment issues would surface and he would get a glimpse of my brokenness. I've read a thousand books in order to find a fairytale to exist, my reality would never sponsor. You see my king, is wrapped in a knight's  armor, he's shielded his heart from emotion, he's wrapped in brokenness that his mind won't let him escape. He's gentle but because of his wounds his hardened facade causes me to be overly cautious to the point i would rather choose silence than be a nuisance in his life. He isn't defined by love but pain, even though i fight for him,  i know that he has no other choice but to run. Breathe for he is my breath..

forgiveness

Butterflies filled with anticipation of being his truth. so focused on the concept of relationship I forgot to pay attention to the man before me. searching for a door to find he, building on being his definition of perfection, i forgot the makings of him. listening but not hearing what the spirit needed, i just wanted a way in. six years of chasing, but only to realize i was running from me in search of him. he seemed diffficult because the answer was within me, to just be with every flaw and imperfection, instead of validating my characteristics of queen i needed to just be. broken and open wounds, can't heal with more scarring they just get deeper. i apologize for being less of me, for being stuck on perserverance, being stuck on a family and not being just a woman supporting the needs of a hurt man. The reality you are all my heart calls for but yet i never trusted it becasue you weren't what i was used too, I couldn't read you, so I assumed i needed to give you more of everything, be everything more than just myself. I wanted to live up to your potential and expectancy, I wanted to give you what i saw/assumed you wanted, but I never relingiush the rights of me, i never gave you the definition of me. i just wanted to be your perception of greatness, fear of losing you or have you walk away from me, blinded the true essence of me, b/c i couldn't let the man marked as my forever leave without knowing the concept of love. I'm so sorry I fucked up, instead of you trusting me you stood in limbo. Instead of being open, i was private only allowing pieces to fall that never matched. I wish we could build again, reintroduce but from the basics. my intentions were never to be without you, now i am and im barely breathing. forgiveness.

The audacity

The audacity of love to betray the heart of righteousness. To breathe nu life into the soul without even knowing the spirit. The malice of human action to walk away with the care of another. Selfish intentions with expectant selfless love. How dare you pose as a statue  of GOD but leave me in hell. Heartbroken, broken feelings, emotions of sadness  with waves of disappointments. Nobody told me love could be so cold. He was my knight, my king, my solitude of truth. Leaving me bare with turmoil because he chose to run, to hide his heart from me, never facing me with his eyes. As if they would penetrate the very life of me, i wanted to be his source of serenity, paradise an escape from the fallacies of reality. How could i not be enough? Legs spread with gentle thrust, climaxes of mindblowing ecstasy. We were one, our bodies spoke languages that our minds couldn't  begin to create. We were everything in a capsule of submission. Moments of intensity as we lay bare, arms entangled  discussing the visions of our heart, we were in our own cloud. How could you leave me so lifeless. Tears of hurt stream these once bright eyes. I can no longer breathe, life without him is a nuisance of repetition.

Him

This man is everything but so very distant at the same time. He is charming, kind, lovable, intelligent, charismatic, determined, ambitious, family-oriented but he also is broken and lost. He no longer believes in love, doesn't trust a soul in some aspects he doesn't trust himself. But he's beautiful, sometimes while he's sleeping I watch him to make sure he's resting peaceful, that nothing is hurting him, not as if I can save him from anything but I will be there. When he holds me there is no place I would rather be. We laugh so much, sometimes it's as if I can break the wall of him down and help him just be.I dream of him when he is not here, think about him daily without delay. As he tells me you are a great woman you will make some man happy, because you make me happy. Little does he know I want to make him the happiest man I know. He tells me don't fall for him, he's a broken man. So I tell my heart to stop, she responds you cant help who you love my mind quickly reminds her we are not even doing love again. Never to be fooled by you again.. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.. It just didn't feel the same without you.