Toxic

 

There's a moment where you decide to be a grown up. a moment where accountability takes over, not the decision of not making mistakes but being accountable when you do. the resolution to be better do better and work through the issues that caused the mistakes. accountability is hard when dealing with others, your spirit wants the acceptance of others for your accountability, it wants to hear the logic of understanding, of reasoning, of balance, that though you are not perfect you will mistakes, your spirit wants to hear understanding from the outside.

Most of us are facing internal issues, some of us run from them, others deal with them and others pretend they don't exist. Growth of self is pertinent when the desire to deal with others. You will understand your triggers, understand what works and doesn't work for you. While in your journey, while you work, relationships that you developed prior to your work, may or may not change but the if they do it's important that you understand your journey can't include them at this time. Those that can't be on the journey with you, may become angry because they feel like you are changing and you are requiring too much, in totality they aren't ready for their own work so seeing you do yours is intimidating that's where the toxicity begins. It's not that the person or people are wrong or bad it's just that your journey no longer complements there position in your life. If they are not willing to join you or work on themselves, they will kill your will to be better. this is the toxicity, seeing growth but wanting to put a box on it, so that it doesn't continue.

Growth is inevitable

Never makes sense

 Ever had a thought or idea that just keeps running except it focuses on the negative and not the positive. I've been thinking a lot about relationships the strength it takes to love again, the strength it takes to trust before your eyes and when your back is turned. It takes power to say you make my heart happy, you give me strength in my weakest moments. the power to say yes let's make this work, that takes courage and boldness, it takes a new level of maturity because in a world of people you see them and choose them to hold you, to see you, to be there for you, to walk this journey however it may travel, you want them beside you.

Yet in a instant moment, in a wicked temptation, you result to boring your attention on another that is not your chosen, you give the attention and affection that should be diverted to your chosen, you behold compliments and words of affirmation that caused a disrupt in your relationship because your chosen wanted what you are giving to someone else. The grass may look greener but it's how it's nurtured, managed and maintained by it's owner. a field of jasmine flourishes with the sun's love, the fruit of GOD's tears.

Help me understand the math, you desire, you engage, you enchant only to submit to the bonding of two to make one, but yet you are still searching and haven't informed your chosen that you are still searching as they dispel endless energy just for you, to surround you to encompass you. You say silly rhetoric like I never meant to hurt you, but did you not think that engaging and entertaining wouldn't hurt. did reason that maybe honesty would work in this instance, save you the nuisances of unwanted texts, unwanted cries, the nuisance of what you now deem crazy because you created a chaotic situation that you left, never being accountable for the consequences of your actions. The toxicity of ego of pride will destroy even the strongest amongst us. Understand, when you commit, you are pledging your allegiance of morality of principle that you will not defy. Great men/women aren't great by words of others, they are great by their actions for and toward others. Light and darkness can't dwell in the same space, light will forever shine but the more you dim the more you will have an eclipse, when the blockage removes, the light shines whether you are there or not. In most cases once the blockage removes it even more powerful than it began. 

Just remember a fallacy will always be a nightmare because it was never reality. 

It's been a while

 In a world full of chaos, somehow I found peace in you, not peace of my spirit but peace of my loneliness. Longing for the connection between two entities that lights the skies,  even in solitude we find refuge in each other's silence. The rhythm of conversation, that separates only with  laughter, I have been searching a lifetime for the innocence of holding hands, the gaze that turns into memories, the ability of sensing without ever touching. I've been waiting and somehow I got here. I'm never sure, but each time I feel defeated, with the only conclusion that karma finally got me or should I say my past suppressed thoughts on inadequacy, insecurities, unequated comparisons they finally showed me what they look like so I can understand but today I know my worth, today I know better, today I choose me, today I know I'm great, but yet I somehow found peace in you for my loneliness even though I'm still lonely.