In love with a vision taunting my subconscious, I decided to walk away. Not because I didn't love him, nor was it that i was no longer in love with him. I love him, I'm in love with him but i choose to allow his happiness to live. what's the point of working and fighting for someone who has decided to make his happiness in another?? my logic of  live life to your happy, would be contradicted. but no one told me what to do when the love taunts you, when you have made an adult decision to not be in the space to express unwanted feelings, repeatedly to someone that doesn't want to listen. why is the knife in the center of your chest, twisting.you are not trying to break their relationship, you don't solicit for wanted emotions, you are consciously moving forward to be ok with you. why does the hurt have to linger???

moments

I'll worship you like holy days, lying on back seeing clouds and rays....

sometimes there's a moment in your life where you realize, you might just love someone a little too much. that you become consumed in just being that you forget details. you forget that they don't live in your head, there may be issues yet to be spoke on. you forget there are reservations, you are just consumed with loving and living. November 8, 2016...
        my life changed before my eyes
my heart broke into a million pieces of vulnerability of submission
     my feet got stuck in the concrete of he, i haven't been able to move since.......

absence, i am afraid...

some days i envision you. some moments i hear your voice. some moments thoughts of you and i linger for more than a moment. i thought that feelings were fleeting, emotions were dissolving but somehow there's one prevalent emotion. that you will never disappear. you will never be just a faded memory.

These tears sting like alcohol on fresh wounds. I'm tired of crying,  tired of it hurting.  I don't want to hear it gets better,  move on it's his loss.  Save the cliche rhetoric for another time,  tell me how the long the pain last, where to put the love. Tell me a method of hypnosis that I won't remember the existence of he in  this space.  Vulnerability is killing me slowly,  i promise you I can't breathe

keke wyatt banter

soooo not that i mean any disrespect, but why are so many surprised at ke-ke wyatts husband deciding to leave her. you cant continually castrate a man, even more belittle him not only in a public arena but on tv and think it's ok to do so. A man is not in your life to be your punching bag, that you send your hate for what has happened in your life his way. to give him punishment for your shortcomings. he will not be perfect, he will become your perfection, he is flawed, more than that he is human. he is your support, your motivator, your strength. casting words of disdain and hate for the purpose of anger is not the balance of who we are. just my mind having some relief.

How the hell

I've come to the sad conclusion my vagina is broken. It's suspended in a hiatus of forced celibacy,  how the hell did this happen. To wish upon a star and nothing but dust appears. It has got to be broken, i mean it just sits and just thinks repeatedly about the act of its prior owner. Yes I said owner, hell I might still be owned. Twinkle, twinkle on a star how does your vagina break into little parts. I have no words for this desolate  regimen of abstinence. Maybe she's waiting on a fairytale, a toast to matrimony, an indignation of forever bliss. Or maybe she is just broken and i am forever to be tormented by the scent...

Breathe

Cleaning my son's room. Moving things around. I find his bin, where he kept clothes,  they shared a closet, king and prince.  I get to his drawers where his clothes are. I open the first, the scent of him takes my breath away. Without hesitation tears fall from my eyes.  In loud sobs, i can't breathe. His scent lingering in my nose. Tears won't stop, steady falling i keep breathing you.  Traces of you i tried to push away, just force their way through. Here i am in an insane rock, hoping praying that i hear your footsteps up the stairs. Saying baby I'm here. In delusion i see traces of you,  i miss you.  I need you..

Lifeless

keys to dating me lol

1. honesty... trust me nothing you can say or do that will hurt me more than you lying to me. don't take my option away from making a decision that affects my life, along with my sons. just be honest, be you, be true.

2. consistency... maintain how you start, don't leave for question. I will be the same me through and through, even when i start to feel like you getting the best of me

3. laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh..

4. romance - simplicity is key, you can send me a song  with the caption of "thinking of you" midday texts, with something sweet like hey you, cards, just to smile packages, take me for a ride and play some of my favorite tunes.

5.  communicate - it's hard, i'm not the best communicator but i'm willing.

just a few keys for me..

Watching antwone fisher messes my whole life up.  Can't imagine the endurance any child bears living they life, but it makes me miss my son's brother. The oldest boy of mine.  Yes i claim him because he is my child,  wherever he may be wherever he go.  I pray one you find your way home... forever my heart...i love you son

here i stand

Something so sweet as a forehead kiss that allows a babbling reaction of unmarked notions for unwanted emotions. it's the act of vulnerability, the belief that you may just have found something special, something so rare in a world full of calamity and chaos. but it's a forehead kiss, a definition of prolonged emotion that has yet to be defined, an act of splendor intentions when you silently believe i just may be in the arms of love. it's the reaction of a long an intimate conversation, a stare that last for too long when souls connect and words are null and void. an embrace that quivers the small of your spine. the chill that makes the hairs on your arm and it stands without the allowance of your spirit. i thought it was magic, i thought it was love, something sweet like a forehead kiss that kindly reminds me of my favorite song. i hear you, more than i see you, silently i hear your thoughts parading in my mind, my heart still hears your voice commanding it. lost in a time where we were as simple as a forehead kiss, maybe it was my dream that didn't fit the reality, but here i stand.

how to move

No one taught me that love would hurt, my aunts and uncles, grandparents taught me how to fight for love, how through the toughest moments that you hang in there. you see it through, you don't let go but they never mentioned love would hurt. maybe because they never left, love stayed and sought it's way through. i wish they would have sat me down and told me what to do, when love breaks your heart, when it takes your breath away, when you spend sleepless nights crying because love is gone. how did someone miss the instructions to what you should do when it leaves, when you are no in a space to receive love, what you should do when it breaks you, how you handle the situation of person. they didn't sit me down for this. I know it's not the source of ego, self or pride, i love him, i mean truly love him. no ill thoughts of his well being or the king that he is. nothing negative for who he is in my life, i just pray GOD finds a way to bless him. heal his hurt and his wounds, that GOD grants his heart the desires of his heart. Speak love, speak truth, speak peace!!!

Missing him

You know that instant empitness you feel when the person you love is missing, that void that never seems to get filled.
 the constant thinking of them, subjective reminders that you care not to see, the faint smell in your nose, the touch of their fingertips on your soft skin, their voice whenever you hear a love song. the nuisance of freedom, without actually asking for it.
Without you i feel lost, without you there's nothing more essential then the co-existence of us.
 i scream in silent rage, with voices unheard.
 i miss you, yet silence is all that gathers these thoughts. nobody's listening, nobody hears my silent cries.
 give me all that i desire, give the freedom of loving, the joy of being true, the dedication of being loyal.
give me the freedom of loving you.
I can't withstand the pain, nobody told me this would hurt this way, no one prepared me for the heartache. missing you and im lost

Him

I miss him.

Intrusively without the nuisance of onlookers and judgment. I miss you.

The taunting of your name embedded behind these brown eyes, every flash is a memory of us.

I need to hear your voice, feel the strength of your masculinity at the nape of my collarbone.

I miss us.. i miss you

Foolishness, in the middle of my bed in indian style, wondering is the thought driven by your stream of consciousness...

Without you

valentine's

Usually I am immensely sad on Valentine's Day, I'm dressed in all back I tend to give the facade that I am unbothered by the outpour of love and appreciation shown by significant others to their spouses whether it be fake or real, the love on that day is evident. I would write religiously year after year about how lost in a trance addicted to love I had yet to experience, how I wish the man of my heart would want more from me than just an occasional affair that he would decide to choose me and never leave. Of course that has never happen because obviously I would be one of those lucky people posting love pics. This year was so different, no bitterness in my heart, no depressing sadden love  thoughts about what wasn't present. I was just happy to be open to love, to have my heart radiating with such joy for life that knowing my king was on his way was everything. Didn't reflect on the past or past loves, I was too cool in my skin, didn't shed one tear didn't write any sappy love poems. I am so happy in my skin and being able to breathe freely, no broken heart, no memoirs or why he left of what he did or didn't do. I choose to be happy, I choose to be me, I choose to smile, I choose the opportunity of affection and possibility of risk. It's not a loss to my past suitors, I'm more than sure they have found their own sanction of happiness and they are forever winning, I salute them for having their happiness. We just weren't enough to be something great, but good enough to be a lesson for a lifetime. So to next year of Valentine's Day, I won't dare be alone. Not this time around, GOD is grooming him just for me, until he announces himself, patience and steady working on me but I see you GOD.

Sick of it

Convinced dating just isn't for me.
I have no intentions of playing a game of cat and mouse, lion and deer, cheetah and antelope. There's no prize i wish to attain. There are no rules I wish to follow.
Simpilicity.
I like you, you interest me, I like your smile, I dig your personality. I want to do enjoyable things with you, I want to go to the park....wait.. I want to touch your hands, I want to feel your arms.. hold on, I want to see what your lips taste like, I want you, I desire you...
Simplicity.
Listen to your dreams, help you conqueror your fears, encourage the GOD in you, fight for your potential, believe in your goals, tackle the past to impede it manifesting in the present.
Instead we have a gimmick of games, a pool of lies that folks pick from depending on whether they have assessed your character properly, folks are afraid of just being vulnerable because when they were open they got hurt, but they swear they are over the last person but continue to hold on to the pain they once caused. Yea I'm sick of situationships, confusing friend zones, chaotic we  are together emotionally but mentally i do what i want. Sick of the manipulation folks subject themselves too for self-perservation but really selfish intentions, to blind side the victim of your interest to believe in the possibility when there truly isn't one.
Complication.
Be open to the reality that great people do exist. If someone sees GOD's reflection in you, sees the potential of GOD's work and sees your crown. let them offer substance to you.
Dating isn't for me, and that's cool because I'm cooler than a fan without the headache.

Moment of reflection

Rocks don't move unless they are manipulated into action. They become acts of life, moved to the rhythm of the wind. I have become enchanted with the art of being, watching as the brush strokes of life create vision on my canvas. I once heard an ode to love is to stand and listen to the leaves of trees blown by the wind, they tell the story of romance. I've run from the idea of love even though I'm addicted to the emotion but the idea frightens me. You see I've been abused by the the act of self preservation, lost in the building of a relationship that  I've never conquered the truth of me existing in one. Scared of the momentum it would lead me too, that my abandonment issues would surface and he would get a glimpse of my brokenness. I've read a thousand books in order to find a fairytale to exist, my reality would never sponsor. You see my king, is wrapped in a knight's  armor, he's shielded his heart from emotion, he's wrapped in brokenness that his mind won't let him escape. He's gentle but because of his wounds his hardened facade causes me to be overly cautious to the point i would rather choose silence than be a nuisance in his life. He isn't defined by love but pain, even though i fight for him,  i know that he has no other choice but to run. Breathe for he is my breath..

forgiveness

Butterflies filled with anticipation of being his truth. so focused on the concept of relationship I forgot to pay attention to the man before me. searching for a door to find he, building on being his definition of perfection, i forgot the makings of him. listening but not hearing what the spirit needed, i just wanted a way in. six years of chasing, but only to realize i was running from me in search of him. he seemed diffficult because the answer was within me, to just be with every flaw and imperfection, instead of validating my characteristics of queen i needed to just be. broken and open wounds, can't heal with more scarring they just get deeper. i apologize for being less of me, for being stuck on perserverance, being stuck on a family and not being just a woman supporting the needs of a hurt man. The reality you are all my heart calls for but yet i never trusted it becasue you weren't what i was used too, I couldn't read you, so I assumed i needed to give you more of everything, be everything more than just myself. I wanted to live up to your potential and expectancy, I wanted to give you what i saw/assumed you wanted, but I never relingiush the rights of me, i never gave you the definition of me. i just wanted to be your perception of greatness, fear of losing you or have you walk away from me, blinded the true essence of me, b/c i couldn't let the man marked as my forever leave without knowing the concept of love. I'm so sorry I fucked up, instead of you trusting me you stood in limbo. Instead of being open, i was private only allowing pieces to fall that never matched. I wish we could build again, reintroduce but from the basics. my intentions were never to be without you, now i am and im barely breathing. forgiveness.

The audacity

The audacity of love to betray the heart of righteousness. To breathe nu life into the soul without even knowing the spirit. The malice of human action to walk away with the care of another. Selfish intentions with expectant selfless love. How dare you pose as a statue  of GOD but leave me in hell. Heartbroken, broken feelings, emotions of sadness  with waves of disappointments. Nobody told me love could be so cold. He was my knight, my king, my solitude of truth. Leaving me bare with turmoil because he chose to run, to hide his heart from me, never facing me with his eyes. As if they would penetrate the very life of me, i wanted to be his source of serenity, paradise an escape from the fallacies of reality. How could i not be enough? Legs spread with gentle thrust, climaxes of mindblowing ecstasy. We were one, our bodies spoke languages that our minds couldn't  begin to create. We were everything in a capsule of submission. Moments of intensity as we lay bare, arms entangled  discussing the visions of our heart, we were in our own cloud. How could you leave me so lifeless. Tears of hurt stream these once bright eyes. I can no longer breathe, life without him is a nuisance of repetition.