Him

This man is everything but so very distant at the same time. He is charming, kind, lovable, intelligent, charismatic, determined, ambitious, family-oriented but he also is broken and lost. He no longer believes in love, doesn't trust a soul in some aspects he doesn't trust himself. But he's beautiful, sometimes while he's sleeping I watch him to make sure he's resting peaceful, that nothing is hurting him, not as if I can save him from anything but I will be there. When he holds me there is no place I would rather be. We laugh so much, sometimes it's as if I can break the wall of him down and help him just be.I dream of him when he is not here, think about him daily without delay. As he tells me you are a great woman you will make some man happy, because you make me happy. Little does he know I want to make him the happiest man I know. He tells me don't fall for him, he's a broken man. So I tell my heart to stop, she responds you cant help who you love my mind quickly reminds her we are not even doing love again. Never to be fooled by you again.. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.. It just didn't feel the same without you.

Giving Up!

Death ain't always easy!!

Death doesn't always mean physical, death of life that you once lived, death to the person you once were. Death could be the decomposition that is no longer in existence. I have been dying for the past six months, the decomposition of my soul began on sunday. I have feared the death of me, fear that I would no longer be the person I once was, that the woman i clung too, proclaimed to be would no longer be in existence, that she would no longer have definition. Death is here and it's devastating every moment I cant' breathe, I see the chaos my life once caused. the healing needs to take place, but the fear of who i will be afterwards scares me. I can no longer rely on that woman i was because she is now dead. Who am I?? What does death mean?? What will be new, what will I be able to discern that I didn't discern before. Death ain't always easy, but neither is living without clarity.

Miscarriage

I had a child in my womb on 2/16/16, on  4/8/16  my child no longer existed. it was, it is one of the most hardest realizations to ever face, that you have lost a child. while the world continues to revolve, you pretend it didn't happen to you, that you never had a child growing in your womb. though the phrase is easily stated it doesn't fit the feeling of the disappearance of your baby. It's ok, GOD makes no mistakes. It doesn't heal the brokenness, the emptiness that your heart feels. Scared to ever disclose I was pregnant i have kept the pregnancy a secret as well the miscarriage, hard to say the words to the face a reality that my baby died. I am afraid to carry this pain, I'm afraid to face my grief. rest in peace sweet angel, for mommy will forever hold you dear and close.

Late night

Feels like I'm losing it, only spiritually feels like I'm waring between disdain and adoration except numbness is winning. Starting to grow accustomed to this heartache thing just like death. Death and I once were so close, that he became my comedian because he just kept entering my life. Now heartache, tuh this delusional spectacle is causing me such sorrow over this earthling. No matter the speeches, the prayers, the tears she just finds it in her delight to continue this torment. I miss him, I miss us, I miss him, I miss Eric. I'm longing for him in do many that now my body is physically responding. Forgive me I sell refuge

In my head

Sooo I guess this should help, somewhere in this dimension make sense. I was in love not falling in love, not that high school puppy love. Like grown adult love, I shouldnt say I was because I still am. Thinking of him every five minutes it seems hearing my words as his favorite phtases part my lips, I rehearse every moment I was in his presence hoping to find the answer to the question my heart holds. The question hasn't even been defined yet, with only verbs and adjectives but no complete thought that I could convey to anyone. I hate expressing what I feel because my friends tell me great things like oh you're so better than that, he is going miss you. My homeboys why would he do that, you're such a great woman a rare breed wush I could get a woman like you. Pause!!! what the hell are we talking about, I don't want to do better I want him, I want him to miss and want me so much that it drives him insane that we are no longer inseparable. If I'm so great why the hell haven't you made a move. I'm sick of it why can't it just not make sense this time, why can't it be one of those moments in the notebook or dear john. I am walking poetry, I should have a lifetime where I live what I write. But to this moment I bow my head, and just be to sure I'm in fucking love and I can't run from it....... (forgive every error and grammatical mistake)