Venting

My ace told me I should write about it. So I guess this would be the act of therapy but in my eyes who really gives a shit, my heart hurts so i'm writing to see if this pain ceases. How do you treat someone that loves you unconditionally as if you hate the air they breathe. How words ricochet in the air like swords flying in the 18th center. As if I was blind to the dagger sticking out the sky, I ran straight in its direction I dare not brace for the plunge i just lunged my body into the steel sharpness. I disguised my mind with butterflies to block out the negative, he stopped saying I love you a long time ago, the moments I said I missed you I might as well talked to someone deaf. His response was always silence. The moments I looked at him with and said damn you fine, he would look and tell me .i'm tripping as if the words that left my lips were suppose to be coming from another. Forever too busy forever with plans but nights my legs parted and mouth ope. He was never busy, ready to receive every part of me as my I got in trance of him. Stupidity at its highest firm because all I seek is redemption and GOD grant me enough peace to forgive him and myself. This hurts

FOREVER for ever

I wanted a couple of forevers, but i got a couple of nevers. never midnight walks under star-lit skies in the midst of city smog, never conversations that never ends with a sea of laughter that makes anyone smile, never having hands entwined grasping for the touch of another to feel the warmth of love. a couple of forevers that settle in the line of for ever writing poetry describing a longing for what i wish to embrace. for ever mystified by the art of love, the joy of seeing two lovers wrapped tight in each other's arms in mid-walk down a path. The excitement in laughter as stories are shared or a comment mentioned lost in the presence of each other. the bliss in the corner of eyes as you watch the adoration of their stance of confidence as they look on to their loves.  love matters, love defines. turn the for ever writings, into forever stories the notion of having the completion of life

Touched

I was touched,  in a dark room with the tv blaring a house full of strangers that were familiar.  I thought it was a preparation for an outing,  he said a dipole of minutes.  I knew I should have been leaving,  I knew this was the wrong move.  Heart racing, I couldn't find my exit strategy,  I was in a dark room with a timid voice.  Please don't touch me.  with sweaty palms, I felt hands grace my moisten skin, not in excitement but apprehension.  Lay back,  relax,  don't you want to get comfortable. I right we were leaving, we will in a minute.  Kisses posted on my neck.  I held my breath, fighting to keep my composure,  please don't touch me.  He tried to kiss me I moved my head,  two hands placed on my shoulders as my body was forced Susan.  One hand creeping up my shirt,  anther reaching for my pants.  My body moving as I tried to release his grasp. Please don't touch me.  He kept maneuvering his hand,  I kept squirming,  this is not what i want.  Tears welling in my eyes,  this can not be my reality.  I kneed him in the only place that mattered,  he curled over I ran anxiously downstairs.  Tears streaming,  I couldn't breathe.  He touched me...

Touched

I was touched,  in a dark room with the tv blaring a house full of strangers that were familiar.  I thought it was a preparation for an outing,  he said a dipole of minutes.  I knew I should have been leaving,  I knew this was the wrong move.  Heart racing, I couldn't find my exit strategy,  I was in a dark room with a timid voice.  Please don't touch me.  with sweaty palms, I felt hands grace my moisten skin, not in excitement but apprehension.  Lay back,  relax,  don't you want to get comfortable. I right we were leaving, we will in a minute.  Kisses posted on my neck.  I held my breath, fighting to keep my composure,  please don't touch me.  He tried to kiss me I moved my head,  two hands placed on my shoulders as my body was forced Susan.  One hand creeping up my shirt,  anther reaching for my pants.  My body moving as I tried to release his grasp. Please don't touch me.  He kept maneuvering his hand,  I kept squirming,  this is not what i want.  Tears welling in my eyes,  this can not be my reality.  I kneed him in the only place that mattered,  he curled over I ran anxiously downstairs.  Tears streaming,  I couldn't breathe.  He touched me...

In love with a vision taunting my subconscious, I decided to walk away. Not because I didn't love him, nor was it that i was no longer in love with him. I love him, I'm in love with him but i choose to allow his happiness to live. what's the point of working and fighting for someone who has decided to make his happiness in another?? my logic of  live life to your happy, would be contradicted. but no one told me what to do when the love taunts you, when you have made an adult decision to not be in the space to express unwanted feelings, repeatedly to someone that doesn't want to listen. why is the knife in the center of your chest, twisting.you are not trying to break their relationship, you don't solicit for wanted emotions, you are consciously moving forward to be ok with you. why does the hurt have to linger???

moments

I'll worship you like holy days, lying on back seeing clouds and rays....

sometimes there's a moment in your life where you realize, you might just love someone a little too much. that you become consumed in just being that you forget details. you forget that they don't live in your head, there may be issues yet to be spoke on. you forget there are reservations, you are just consumed with loving and living. November 8, 2016...
        my life changed before my eyes
my heart broke into a million pieces of vulnerability of submission
     my feet got stuck in the concrete of he, i haven't been able to move since.......

absence, i am afraid...

some days i envision you. some moments i hear your voice. some moments thoughts of you and i linger for more than a moment. i thought that feelings were fleeting, emotions were dissolving but somehow there's one prevalent emotion. that you will never disappear. you will never be just a faded memory.