from the eyes of her

tears streaming, I'm trying to fight but the moisture is winning, streamlining the outline of my cheekbones, to wipe would be a sin against the emotion that is so free. im hurt, my heart is heavy, feels like im breaking, the logic of this is that im stupid and dumb, i know he could never be for me, he didn't choose me, he just used me to his advantage for an open raw love, a desire of untouched passion where he could escape his honeymoon, to the institution of an engagement that has no formal labels. i should've asked for more been a better woman not just the average queen. i loved him surrounded my thoughts in him, my actions of nu moves included him, because i chose him to be my king, well at least emotionally, verbally i hid behind mental mask, where i opted the choice of it's nothing, we just cool, i got this, im in control, he won't get the best of me again. but once again im crying the same damn tears, he can't listen, ears are occupied with the owner, lips glued shut he just offers me his eyes to enchant me in a bittersweet seduction of lies. this should have been a casual affair of basic physicality's, not saying it's what i wanted but i know my body needed it. i no longer stay burden with the lie that states he loves me, that kinetic energy flows from spirit to spirit sinister remarks tha keep me entangled in the bitter web you weave, why couldn't it all be just so simple, where i would be imperfectly fit just for you and you for me, i just want to learn to let go, let the memory of him fall in the drops covering my eyelashes, i can't keep giving what i don't have to give, as i stand, or as it should say from the look of my knees as i fall, it wasn't suppose to be this way.

at this moment

as the days to continue to past my mind stays paralyzed in state of randomness. I continue to keep thinking without a foundation or source for the nu thought pattern. It's the cause of events, the way circumstances concluded that have me wandering for some resolution. I stand directly in front of this insecurity with my eyes closed scared to face me, to mirror what my heart doesn't want to hear. That for him I truly just not enough, that I just may not be the woman for him, that he could not be just that in to me, knowing that I'm one of the dopest. I don't want to lose him but if I continue to hold on I'm going to lose myself in him. I keep holding to the fact he has been my love since I was 15, now that I'm 27 he's still the owner of my heart. Letting go is painful because the memory of him is so fresh, I'm not even sure I want to but stay assured I'm going to have to because he has. How can you fear never loving someone so much again when you have your whole life to lead. Is it destiny or my mind just fading