forgiveness

Butterflies filled with anticipation of being his truth. so focused on the concept of relationship I forgot to pay attention to the man before me. searching for a door to find he, building on being his definition of perfection, i forgot the makings of him. listening but not hearing what the spirit needed, i just wanted a way in. six years of chasing, but only to realize i was running from me in search of him. he seemed diffficult because the answer was within me, to just be with every flaw and imperfection, instead of validating my characteristics of queen i needed to just be. broken and open wounds, can't heal with more scarring they just get deeper. i apologize for being less of me, for being stuck on perserverance, being stuck on a family and not being just a woman supporting the needs of a hurt man. The reality you are all my heart calls for but yet i never trusted it becasue you weren't what i was used too, I couldn't read you, so I assumed i needed to give you more of everything, be everything more than just myself. I wanted to live up to your potential and expectancy, I wanted to give you what i saw/assumed you wanted, but I never relingiush the rights of me, i never gave you the definition of me. i just wanted to be your perception of greatness, fear of losing you or have you walk away from me, blinded the true essence of me, b/c i couldn't let the man marked as my forever leave without knowing the concept of love. I'm so sorry I fucked up, instead of you trusting me you stood in limbo. Instead of being open, i was private only allowing pieces to fall that never matched. I wish we could build again, reintroduce but from the basics. my intentions were never to be without you, now i am and im barely breathing. forgiveness.

The audacity

The audacity of love to betray the heart of righteousness. To breathe nu life into the soul without even knowing the spirit. The malice of human action to walk away with the care of another. Selfish intentions with expectant selfless love. How dare you pose as a statue  of GOD but leave me in hell. Heartbroken, broken feelings, emotions of sadness  with waves of disappointments. Nobody told me love could be so cold. He was my knight, my king, my solitude of truth. Leaving me bare with turmoil because he chose to run, to hide his heart from me, never facing me with his eyes. As if they would penetrate the very life of me, i wanted to be his source of serenity, paradise an escape from the fallacies of reality. How could i not be enough? Legs spread with gentle thrust, climaxes of mindblowing ecstasy. We were one, our bodies spoke languages that our minds couldn't  begin to create. We were everything in a capsule of submission. Moments of intensity as we lay bare, arms entangled  discussing the visions of our heart, we were in our own cloud. How could you leave me so lifeless. Tears of hurt stream these once bright eyes. I can no longer breathe, life without him is a nuisance of repetition.